Reflections on 2021

Hello there! 

On this last day of 2021 I felt the desire to write and I'm trying to honor that feeling. Sometimes I have things in my head that don't really go away until I get them out and today writing feels like the best form of expression.

If you follow along on our Instagram, you may remember I posted a photo with my 2021 resolution to stop apologizing for who I am. I didn't know then where the year would take me but I didn't think I'd be where I am today.

2021 began while I was still on an assignment in Northern California. We were exploring, hiking and having a great time...then life really happened. Brad lost a family member suddenly on the other side of the country and we couldn't return home. We weathered a blizzard in our tiny camper, losing water for days. We finished my assignment and planned to relax in Florida when Brad had gallstones and was diagnosed with COVID resulting in 2 weeks of hospitalization and a nightmare where things kept declining for awhile before they improved. While he was sick, my family had a loved one in the hospital states away who passed less than 24 hours after Brad was released from the hospital. Then another death in Brad's family. Maisie joined our family. I dealt with COVID myself. Our truck was broken into. Brad sprained his ankle. Life. 

That's exactly what 2021 was. Raw, joyful, sad, beautiful life. 

Halfway through the year I hit my own breaking point. Depression and anxiety have been my pals for the majority of my life, but I could no longer manage alone. At one point, on a rainy afternoon while sitting at a red-light of a busy intersection, I strongly considered driving in front of the traffic zooming by. Something was wrong and Brad pushed me to receive help. 

I began my journey with evaluations for medication and was placed on a waiting list for talk therapy. My first medication made me so sick I could barely eat for weeks. The second medication caused hallucinations of people hanging in our bedroom and restlessness resulting in lack of sleep for many more weeks. Between the breakdowns and frustration, it took almost 6 months to find the right fit, a combination of medications that allow me to finally function in life without spiraling out of control. 

Talk therapy began as well. I read books, started meditating, learned how to slowly set boundaries and improve my confidence. Decades of unworthiness, shame, disordered eating, guilt and sadness began breaking down and replaced with mindfulness. It's not all over, I'm still doing the work. 

There was a lot of heavy stuff in 2021. Writing it out seems more manageable than actually living through it. Parts of the year feel like a blur and others I recall so clearly. But what I've learned over the last 6 months is this, and the main reason for writing today:

You are worthy. Every single piece of you is worthy. The weight you are now. The color of your hair. Your age. Your opinions. Your feelings. Every single thing about you is worthy and valid. You deserve to be here exactly as you are.

Feelings are living. I absorb energy; like really absorb it. If someone feels sadness or discomfort a shock runs through my body and I want to fix it immediately (a main focus of my therapy is to let this go). But discomfort, sadness, joy, fear, excitement, love...that's living. Every single emotion you feel is your LIFE. Instead of resisting, roll with it. And know that when others feel, they're living too. 

You cannot and will not please people. Set boundaries. Preserve your energy when you need to. Say no if you have to, guilt free. The stress isn't worth it. You will disappoint people in order to avoid disappointing yourself. 

If your mental health is struggling, and maybe you can relate to my story, don't give up. Medications can take a long time to work. Talk therapy isn't a quick fix, but it helps. And the work you do outside of therapy is where the magic happens. Keep going.

Those were my biggest lessons of the year and the ones that stand out the most. 2022 begins tomorrow and it's not a new year, new you. You are exactly enough as you leave 2021 and enter 2022. Every bit of this life is worth living. Make the most of the moments, both big and small. On your couch with a book, walking your dog, attending a wedding, tucking your children in at night, singing to the radio in the car, a hot cup of coffee, tears of joy and sadness, the birth of a child, loss in its many forms, dinner with a friend...everything is worth it. Take time to really feel and be present in those moments. You don't have to stand on top of a mountain to be fulfilled, it starts with feeling content exactly where you are in the every day moments.

This is the most unedited blog post I've ever done, I'm not even re-reading it. But someone somewhere may need this today and that's why I'm posting.

Wishing everyone a fully present, judgment free new year :)

Much love,

Jenn